5 Practical Parenting Ideas: A Few Things That Worked Well (Wait…6)

After I posted, “Before Discipline,” the other day, I was thinking about some things we did from the start with our kids that I feel really good about; these are things that proved to be effective over the years and are probably things that could be used and customized by other families. So here are 5…

1. Family Values

Early on we established a list of family values for a few reasons. First of all, it is really good to know who you are as a couple and as a family and to agree on those things. What are things that are really important to you? What are things, if violated, would feel wrong in your family?

The great benefit in defining these is that when you correct your child, you can appeal to something deeper than simply an “off behavior.” Instead of saying, “Don’t say that!” You can say, for example, “You know that as a family one of our values is that everyone will be respected. How you just spoke, showed a lack of respect for one of us, and that isn’t who we are. This is supposed to be a safe place for everyone and so speaking that way is just not acceptable here.”

It gives you a platform to speak from that is from the heart, and shows that you are protecting something that is core to your community. It is to their benefit to correct their behavior because they are part of the community you are guarding.

We have condensed our family values to 3 things:

1. Jesus Centered Home – Josh 24:15
As for me and my house we will serve the Lord

This doesn’t mean we are telling our kids what they have to believe. It is telling them what we believe. As long as they are with us, under our roof, Mike and I submit to a higher authority who greatly affects how we raise our kids. Kids will always compare your home to someone else’s and having this value has given us the chance to say, “That’s great. But this is how we run our home…”.

Our kids are teens now and they are trying to figure out their own faith. We leave a lot of room for our kids to do that, but we are sure going to show them the way rather than hope they stumble across it. We are presenting it, being authentic in our own lives, and trusting that God loves them even more then us and will make Himself known to them as we raise them in a house that serves the Lord.

One of our values is that one day a week we gather with others as “the church.”  This is not about religion, but about relationship. Even if our kids choose to not embrace this as a part of their life, we want to set a good foundation for them, to show them the value of this. We have said, “Even if you don’t know what all of this means for you right now, this is a positive, healthy place for you to be, among people who love you and care about your story. ” And don’t we all need that in our life?  It is one day a week to reconnect and recalibrate – to learn about the love of Jesus, to serve others in loving relationships, and to find out who they are in the bigger mission of life.

2. Love and Respect for everyone – Eph 4:32
Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another

This is a huge part of day to day life.

• If someone does something to make another person in our home feel less valued
• If they physically or verbally hurt them
• If they are holding grudges
• If they are dishonest

That’s a huge violation of what we are about. The home should be a refuge. The safest place for everyone who is a part of it.

3. Generous in all we do – Acts 2:46
Sharing with each other with glad and sincere hearts

If I ask my kids to empty out the dishwasher, should I really be met with a huge sigh and complaints?  The fact is,  generosity and helpfulness is a value in our home. It is easy to speak to when the value is made known.

If a child needs help and another refuses to help them, that is absurd. They are breaking one of our three values and it stands out! This is a hard value to hold them to, because they (like us) are naturally self-serving. But we keep waving the flag; it’s that important.

And this value extends outside of our home too. We don’t just do things for what we gain from them, we do things because we are called to be generous; that’s our value. So if someone is all whiny because they actually have to spend some time doing something practical for someone else? Come on — our value is generosity, live up to it.

p.s. if your kids are pre-teens, get the book “Do Hard Things” — it will really change your mind about what kids are capable of. Sometimes our expectations are so low, all we end up getting are lazy, uncompassionate, selfish teens. They are capable of so much more, and we need to give them opportunity to be more!

2. Family Meetings

We always held “a meeting” at the front end of the school year, for a time to remind everyone about how things would work in the Fall, and to be able to encourage each child in “this next leg of the journey.” And we would call meetings throughout the year to address random things as well when we found

• Sometimes we were saying the same things to our 4 different kids in 4 different ways…repeatedly. When we saw this pattern happening, we knew we all had to get together and get on the same page.
• Sometimes we found our values slipping and we knew it was time for a review
• Sometimes we saw an issue happening in our outside our home that we knew we had to speak to and it would be good to do it all together
• Sometimes our kids were having issues with one another, and it deserved a public forum.

We addressed things like friendship circles, internet use, the way we were relating to one another, things that were going on in our world as parents that might be raising questions with the kids, frustrations I was experiencing as a mom in our daily life, etc.

Mike and I came prepared to the table with a list of things to discuss, and sometimes we planned things out word-for-word when we knew we were hitting a contentious issue (maybe I will find one of those talks and print it out in the future). It gave Mike and I the chance to have a united front, and it also left room to have a great discussion with our kids (we would tell them ahead of time that a meeting was coming and they could also bring things to the table if they had something to raise).

Family meetings stopped everything for an hour; slowing things down made what we were saying important and gave us a forum to bring a course correction to the “whole organization.”

2. “The Book”

This, by far, was my favorite form of “discipline” with the kids and my only regret is that I didn’t start doing it sooner with all of them. It grew primarily as a response to the boys misbehavior’s. You know when your kids say “sorry” and it doesn’t mean anything? They rattle it off and walk away and you know they have found the legal loophole to just move on.

One day, in a moment of inspiration (or frustration, I can’t recall) I took out a notebook and wrote out 4 things:

1. What I did that was wrong

2. Why it was wrong

3. Apology

4. What I will do differently next time

A little note about discipline: if a child doesn’t feel something, it probably isn’t going to work. Low grade pain, if we are wise and pay attention, will save us from devastating pain down the road. Discomfort, from the hand of a parent passionate about their child, is a gift.

Writing, for many, is not a form of punishment. For my boys, however, it was. If I told them they had to write out a paragraph, you’d think I had sent them to the Tower of London.

The requirement was this. In an exercise book (you know the kind that is about 8 inches tall), they had to answer my four questions, writing one full page, single spaced, neatly. Titled, dated, with their name. I didn’t care how long it took, it had to meet those requirements. And if they turned in something that was not thought through, I would make them do it over. Mean, hey?

My goal: to get them to THINK. I wanted their “sorry” to go from their head to their heart. I wanted some understanding to come.

When they were done, we sat down and we talked it all through. It was the talking that brought the win. It is always the talking that brings the win. Ah, but this takes time. Do you have the time?

If I had a do-over, I would start with the book as soon as they were old enough to have a “reasoning” conversation. I would write for them, I would ask them questions to get them to think, but I would get them to think! I would get a nice, hardcover book because I am telling you…what kids confess is actually hilarious and their little “book of sins” becomes a pretty great keepsake. At the time, it is serious, but down the road, when they are older, you are like, “Haha, remember that time you pushed your brother into a ditch?”

Also, because this was a new idea to me, my boys found pretty funny loopholes to my requirements. For example, what if in the apology part you wrote out “Sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” with about 50 “r’s” to take up space? I never specified that they couldn’t do that…and, in the end, I had to admire their creativity.

3. Mental Health Days 

We will never win the prize for “Perfect Attendance” at school. We have been pretty generous with pulling our kids from school and there is nothing better than a day you drive past the school instead of to the school to take your kids out for breakfast. There is nothing like telling your child who is having an emotional day, “I think you need a mental health day” (as we call it).

Breaking the rules gives you huge points with your kids. Take the time on that day to really connect, to listen to them, to speak into their lives; to love them.

p.s. And I should add, have a great relationship with your kid’s teacher. Do your part to catch up on work missed and don’t create extra work for them. And honestly, if our kid got a lower grade on something, but we had a phenomenal day to put in our memory bank and they learned a ton about life and relationships that day…so be it. We would take a little time to study what they missed and… alls well.

4. Change In Your Pocket and other word pictures

There is this thing called “change in your pocket.” If you are just correcting, correcting, correcting your child, you need to stop everything and put some deposits into them. Every time you feed your child with encouragement of some kind, when you help them, when you work out a problem with them, when you listen well, you are putting change in your pocket.You need change in your pocket, parents, because at some point, you will with certainty, spend it.

Parents can easily think because “I am the parent,” investment doesn’t matter that much. But that kind of controlling attitude only works so much. Yes, there is a time to put your authoritative foot down, but that is the exception, not the norm. You need change in your pocket with your child, like you do with your spouse, like you do with your friends.

When the tough conversation has to come, a few coins from that pocket are spent, but you have invested well in your relationships, you still have lots more left, so it isn’t like your relational bank has been drained.

We use that analogy a lot because kids have a pocket too. If they are just taking from you and not giving back, help them to understand this: they are responsible, if this is one of your values, to give back too. If they have been pushing it hard, they need to know that they have taken all the spare change, so if you are drawing some hard lines at that point, they can see what their behavior has led to.

Change in the pocket: it goes both ways. It is a word picture that has helped our see the taking and giving side of relationships. It is also a great picture to use when you talk about building trust with one another.

Another picture we used with our more sensitive kids was a big ball and a little ball. Sensitive kids need to know that they are AWESOME but that there is still room for them to mess up.  Sensitive kids need to know you love them like crazy, but part of love is also bringing correction.  So…get the biggest ball you can and tell them that this represents all the things they do right. Then grab a ping-pong ball and say, “but this is something that you haven’t done right and I need to speak to you about it.”  Giving them a visual, helps them put it into perspective.

I found, when bringing correction, if I took the time to try to paint a word picture for them, or to actually have a “visual” to use…it helped them connect with what I was saying.

5. The Projects

One thing I feel really great about, looking back, is how Mike and I partnered in tackling “issues” with our kids. We would get alone in our room and one of us would raise an issue and we would talk about it until we were in agreement with how to handle it. Sometimes it was just about the right course of discipline, or discussing what we thought was going on in someone’s head (comparing notes, so to speak) and other times we would decide that for a certain period of time, we were going to hit an issue as if it were a project; it was he and I as a united front, and we were all in for a period of time that we set.

Let me explain, sometimes we ran up against a pattern with one of our kids — maybe it was “being rough” when they were little, or maybe it was pouting, or maybe it was an attitude later on…whatever the pattern was, it wasn’t going away. That’s when we made it a project.

The best time to hit a project is when you can have a few days off, so maybe a long weekend, for example. What you do is zero in on a bad behavioral habit, and you both are eyes and ears to that issue for several days in a row. I find that, as the mom, I am often the one who is dealing with these things as I have more time with the kids. But there is something GREAT that  happens when a dad is all-in too. When dad picks up the project, and you are unified, the child gets the point.

I know this takes energy and commitment (what else is parenting other than energy and commitment?) I know you might want to just come home and not deal with it…but you will deal with it, by choice or through the consequences of not having made the choice to.

When I look back at our “projects” I always saw such good results and it made our home a much better place to be when the project was over.

If you are single parent, this is a tough one for you; it can still work but I can imagine that it is hard to find that “reserve energy” to really lock onto one issue or to find partnership in doing so. For you it would take a more creative approach, maybe pulling in a grandparent or uncle.

Those are 5 things we did that I feel great about; it is good to be able to reflect and pick out five because I’ve done a lot of things I DON’T feel great about, in the heat of the moment. For that, the greatest tool a parent has is two words: I’m sorry.

Ah…maybe this is the 6th thing I feel good about

6. You Can Take Another Run At Things

It’s ok to admit you blew it. You are just human, and you don’t have all the answers immediately. Whoever says you don’t get to redo things was wrong…you do. Kids are very precedent setting, I find. They say, “But you said…” or “But you let them…” and you feel like you have been pushed into a corner.

Be humble and admit that it wasn’t the best decision you made and that you, like them, make mistakes. Tell them, “It’s hard being a parent, it is hard always figuring out who was right, who was wrong and what the best thing is to do. When you are a parent, you might choose to do things very differently than I have. That’s your choice. As for me, I have to do my best and so, I am taking another run at this…now…” paint the picture for the new reality and don’t let them blackmail you

Be creative. Be courageous!

– Teresa Klassen

Why Even Bother Getting Married Then?

So, another one of those tricky questions: when is it ok to get a divorce? This was the question put to Jesus by those rascals, the Pharisees. Rule-keepers have a thing for policies. Jesus, in response, gives them the narrowest permission because He knew they weren’t looking for grace, they were looking for an excuse: if someone cheats on their spouse, sexually, then divorce is an option. More surprising though, is the disciple’s reaction to this. They don’t nod their heads in agreement. They don’t say, “Yes, that’s right, we need to protect marriages.” No, they say (essentially), “What?!?!”

“If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry!” (Matthew 19:10)

I know this reaction. It is like when my kids ask to go somewhere with the idea that they will be able to stay out late-late and I say, “Be back by eleven,” and then they say, “What? Well, then I am not going to go at all!”  Ok. Immature, but OK.

It’s kind of the same drastic response.

I’ll bet when Jesus said what he did, everyone thought of 50 other reasons they would want to divorce their spouse besides adultery. Really, it isn’t that hard to come up with a list. And Jesus, knowing how we think says, divorce is, 100% of the time, because of hardened hearts of one or both spouses.

Sin is the thing that leads to divorce. It isn’t honest to say (like Seal & Heidi Klum in the entertainment news this week):

“While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart…” (people.com)

Does that make any sense? Not really because if you have deep respect for someone and love them very much you should be able to work it out. One or both of these people let their hearts get hard and it is tragic.

• When one person will not reconcile
• Will not engage in a solution
• Will not repent
• Will not stick it out
• Will not try and try again
• When one person gives up

Divorce.

The disciples are ready to give up before they begin. It is like saying, “Well, really, who can live together for a lifetime? It’s unrealistic, Jesus. You are setting us up for failure. Why bother, then?”

So nothing has changed, has it. Divorce was acceptable then, and it is more than acceptable now. In fact, marriages start and end within 72 days it seems. We used to fight for marriage as Christ-followers; now we just fight. It’s a mess.

It is hard to submit to “one another.” Really hard, because it is hard to soften one’s own heart and truly desire rightness when it is easier to just desire other things and justify it. Perhaps 1 Corinthians 13 should quietly go away because even if love keeps no record of wrongs, people do.

It is easier to gripe and point out faults and think about one’s own happiness then to choose to engage lovingly with another human being. We are selfish. I am selfish. I can – even if it doesn’t show – get my back up so easily. Drawing together feels like giving in rather than giving. If Mike irritates me, I’m irritated; so easy to get irritated; so easy to think the worst about a lot of petty things.

So, the disciples say it’s better to not get married then to have to work at being the one to have a soft heart.  I think what I can appreciate about their statement is that it is really honest. Anyone who is married has thought it: “it would just be easier to do what I want, when I want.”

We desire relationship, but we don’t know how to have a relationship.

Jesus only gives one reason to divorce, which shows how serious He viewed covenant. Except for one reason, husband, you better smarten up and soften your heart. Except for one reason, wife, you better look with new eyes upon your husband. Change your heart. Serve one another. Figure it out “until death do you part.”

Irreconcilable differences are only so because someone, or two people, stubbornly house a hard heart. Someone wanted the wedding, but didn’t want the work.

Oh, the damage done.

– Teresa Klassen

Before Discipline

* I was asked to give a talk to a group of moms on the topic of discipline. Not that talks are my “specialty” by any means, but here are my thoughts (in case anyone wants to use them) having had to engage in a lot of discipline over the years with 4 crazy but awesome kidlets. Wow, I actually really look forward to not having to discipline anyone anymore…its exhausting trying to do THAT well.

“I was asked to share a little bit today on the topic of discipline. It’s probably the hardest part about parenting; figuring out how to guide behavior and correct attitudes.  Being consistent is exhausting; and the way kids can push a parents buttons is exasperating. How is it that a 2 year old can push you, a grown adult, to the edge?  They’re only this tall…but there are times we have to literally walk away, calm ourselves down and reengage again.

I have stand out memories where my kids and I have locked horns over an issue. The hours I have spent thinking about discipline, I can’t even count. Parenting is not for the faint of heart; and good discipline does not come in a kit where you can pull out methods that are “sure to work.” Although, I have some favorites that I look back on…

I just couldn’t get Josh to not be rough when he was little…he would push or hit and I just couldn’t get the point across to be gentle. One day when he had been really rough, I grabbed a pair of yellow rubber gloves and drew sad faces on them and I put them on his hands. He hated them. They restricted all of his play, they looked silly and he couldn’t really do anything when he was wearing them; it really helped to get my point across about kindness and gentleness and to refine that behavior. It worked. I learned something too; I realized that Josh would always need a physical consequence to his actions. A talk would not do. Being sent to his room would not do. He had to feel it.

I found those gloves lying around the other day and we had a good laugh; he is 16 now and how I discipline him has totally changed of course. And…he’s taller than me, so I have to be way more strategic.

Speaking of Josh (I have a lot of examples with Josh) when he was a little older, I realized that Josh thought a lot about what he would be like one day, “as a man.” I saw this and realized that if I told him a story about how this behavior would look if he carried on with it, what that would look like when he was grown up, it really connected with him. So I would paint that picture and it was one of the only things that would make him really stop and think; it was very sobering to picture himself not being a “good man,” or  “a good father,”  or a “good friend.” It mattered to him that he would grow up to be honorable, and I found those kinds of talks really worked.

The point is that these things worked with Josh, but they wouldn’t have worked with my other three. Every child is different; every situation is different so it requires a lot of creativity along the way.  So what I want to talk about, more than a bunch of cool ideas, is to talk about the things that are behind discipline. It is actually these things that shape how we discipline.

As parents we need to engage, not control.  We need to take a step back and look at what an engaged relationship looks like with our kids, before we can even begin to know how to correct them.

I will just share a few thoughts with you. I have just picked 3 big ones to keep this short; I know there are others, but these are 3 that have proved over and over to be THE THINGS that carried me through their toddler years into their teenage years; I have had some really testing times through the teenage years and it has given me a lot of opportunity to ask myself if these three things are true; I believe they are, they have saved the day time after time after time as my husband and I continue to engage in disciplining and guiding our kids.

 1. You can’t discipline without being fully engaged in KNOWING your child.

That seems so obvious when I say it, but from what I see, it isn’t obvious enough.

The problem is, many of us have grown up in homes where we weren’t really known by our own parents, and so a pattern has been created – a pattern of non-relating.

What does it mean to be known?  I think knowing someone allows us to detect things that are imperceptible to others.

• It’s  knowing that thing they do when they suddenly feel insecure,
• it’s the shadow that crosses their eyes,
• its how they process  conflict,
• its knowing what opens them up and what shuts them down.

Knowing someone really well is so important when it comes to discipline because you will find yourself speaking to finer behaviors which is a lot easier than trying to deal with the big bad ones later.

When you know someone, you will see the little bit of attitude long before it becomes chronic. When you know someone, you will sense the lie before it is said. You will feel the wall coming up before it is immovable.

Effective discipline is something that can be received and not resented. Receiving discipline happens when a child feels invested in, not materially: relationally.

You have toddlers, you can do this right. You can really watch them. You can think about them. You can pay attention. I encourage you, don’t let these years slip by simply keeping them entertained and educated. Slow down, study them. Know them.

2. You can’t discipline if you can’t TALK.

You know how many parents can’t talk to their kids? How many kids roll their eyes at their parents or just shut down? How many silent car rides are there? How many incredibly shallow conversations happen that never break the barrier, moving into heart issues? It’s a tragedy.

When your kids are small, talk to them. If you aren’t naturally conversational, you have the chance to change that right now, because it is that important. Google “Great questions to ask your kids” and become an expert at talking to them and to their friends. You don’t have to be the “cool mom” you can be the interested mom.

When it comes time to correct behavior, having a fantastic conversation in and around the problem, moving beyond the problem is one of the most satisfying things I have experienced as a parent. Problem solving. When you get that win, it is awesome.

You have toddlers and you can begin your relationship on the right foot. I know they don’t say much now, or much that makes sense. But when you lean in and you talk to them and you ask them questions they know they matter. And when they know they matter, you can correct them within the safety of that relationship.

It is funny in our home because the kids know it is in the DNA of our family to talk. One day when our daughter was angry at me she said, “You know, our family isn’t like other families mom…they don’t talk as much as we do!” She didn’t mean it as a complement but I loved it. Now when we reflect on our family, the kids identify it as the thing they most value in our home – the ability to talk and talk things out.

You may have a child who doesn’t want to talk. I had one. As soon as there was conflict, he would shut down and want to walk away. He was overwhelmed by his emotions. I never let him walk away. I would let him cool down if he needed to, but I made him push through conversationally. It sounded different then it did with his brother who can’t stop talking…that’s ok. We needed to learn how to talk with each other, and I wouldn’t let him off the hook.  So much of discipline is talking. If you don’t have this, it’s going to be hard.

3. You can’t discipline without WISDOM and INSIGHT.

Now this is where I need a disclaimer because I can’t talk about wisdom and insight without talking about my relationship with Jesus; some of you might not have a relationship with Jesus so I’ll tell you how this has affected my parenting when it comes to discipline and leave it up to you to decide if you think there is something to it.

In my experience, knowing how to guide a child in the way he or she should go can be absolutely baffling especially when I have been

• pressed,
• especially when things go wrong,
• especially when they have been angry with me,
• especially when there have been repeating patterns that I just can’t seem to break.

Sometimes you just hit a wall as a parent and you can stay there a long time if you don’t find wisdom and insight into your child.

There are times when I have been so FRUSTRATED and have felt so helpless. Maybe some of you have already experienced this. There are times when I have been just out of ideas.

I can’t tell you the number of times I have prayed for wisdom over my kids. I have asked Jesus to tell me about them. I have trusted that He knows exactly how they are wired up and He knows what will work. I know he can see deep within their hearts and minds and he can give me good ideas to reach them.

I can honestly say, any good idea, any effective idea, any real win I have had in battle with my kids has come because of what God has shown me after I have asked him.

This may sound strange to some of you, I am sure it does. But the Bible says that Jesus loves our children, that He carries them close to his heart, and if this is true, wouldn’t He want to tell us about them, the things only He knows?

I have needed a wisdom and insight that goes beyond what I have.

When I have listened to God, things have turned out so much better than if I had just relied on my own ideas. It is uncanny and amazing. When I listen and there is a breakthrough, I know it isn’t because I am so smart. It is because I listened.

I know there is so much more to say, but I will close with this…

When my kids were small our house was carpeted in the most impractical way – beige but almost white carpet. I rented a carpet cleaner from Samson’s Soap and had just spent hours cleaning it. It was barely dry. This was in the Spring and we have an empty lot beside us and in the Spring the mud is a cross between oatmeal and glue; the more you walk in it, the bigger your feet get.

Anyway, perfectly clean carpets – I remember admiring them as I walked down the hall to my room — and my son runs in with 5 of his little friends and before I can say anything there is mud from 10 little feet down and around about 30 feet of carpet. It was a disaster. I came out and was totally speechless.

The reason I raise this is that my kids are 14, 16, 17 and 19 now and would be easy for me to talk to you about what worked really well, to make my parenting journey look like a hallway that is cleanly carpeted. Look how well we have done! Even if it appears neat, I could walk away today and find muddy footprints all the way up the hall! That’s parenting a child who has a free will. It’s messy.

But I have had opportunity to test the three things I have said to you today. In good times, are they true? Yes. In bad times, have they carried us through? Yes.

My prayer has always been that whatever mess they make it will be temporary, they will see it and understand what they have done and it will serve them well. I pray that whatever they do it won’t have long lasting negative consequences and ultimately they will see the good way to walk and choose to walk in it. And my prayer for us is that though we may be tired at times, and frustrated and even afraid…that we would  choose, as parents, to be fully engaged in the journey.”

– Teresa Klassen

Call It And Carry On

I was wrestling over Jesus’ and Peter’s interaction in Matthew 16 today. One minute Jesus is telling Peter he is “blessed” and is handing him the keys to the kingdom. A moment later He says, with some energy, that Peter is Satan.

 

Speaking as one who is sensitive to words and the tone in which they are spoken I would have been devastated; and confused. It must have been pretty hard to go from feeling like a favorite to being a complete screw up.

 

I wish the Bible gave us a little more with that story. I wish it described the look on Peter’s face, how he felt; the follow-up conversation.

 

The more I thought about this, the more I thought about the kinds of things one says when time’s-a-wasting; when there’s a major issue and you don’t have two weeks to sort it out. What do you say in emergencies? In times like those you take out extra words and you say things to the point without a whole lot of thought given to how the listener might feel: Get down! Move aside! Call 911!  Drop that! Stop!

 

Jesus had been walking with Peter for some time now and He had no more time. Time was coming to a close and Peter HAD to get it. Jesus couldn’t have a bunch of debate sessions with Peter. Jesus needed him to understand the seriousness of the situation NOW! It was like shock-therapy.

 

It was Satanic to think that Jesus would avoid saving the world. This was His whole mission. Only Satan would say, “Don’t do it.” It was to Satan’s advantage to dissuade Jesus from walking into danger and ultimately to the cross.

 

Jesus turned to Peter and immediately identified the problem and with crushing crystal clarity, called it. I am sure Peter was totally winded from that, but there was no mistaking what just happened. There was no mistaking Peter’s grave error: “Let’s not mince words; that’s Satanic.”

 

I will admit, if it were me rather than Peter, I would prefer a sit-down and a talk where Jesus takes out an exercise ball and says, “Now Teresa, these are the things you are doing well at…” and then a ping-pong ball, “and these are the things I am concerned about. Now keep this exercise ball in mind when I tell you something. I am really proud of you and for the most part you are doing great…but about this ping-pong ball…you know that time when you said that perhaps I should reconsider going to Jerusalem…that was a little off for the following reasons that I want to explain to you over coffee…”

 

I could take that, as long as there was Kleenex at the table.

 

But these were not sit-down conditions and Jesus needed Peter to see things differently, immediately.

 

Are there times like that for me as well?

 

Satan says a lot of things like that to us in order to derail our energy to live His way, on mission; sometimes those things come from others, sometimes they come out of our own lips. I have a feeling, if we listened better, we would hear Jesus nail some of those statements to the wall with a single word: Satan.

 

When someone tries to soften sin, when someone says something contrary to the heart of God, when someone tears down something Jesus actually loves and died for, sometimes those things can leave me weary, frustrated, discouraged and disillusioned. Those things waste a lot of time in the Kingdom and I think, if I were listening better, I would hear some outrage from Jesus and a single emphatic word: “Satan.”

 

And I would turn and see an indignant Christ and He would motion forward so that I would get on with it and leave that ridiculous notion behind.

 

Some things aren’t really worth discussing around round tables.

Some things we shouldn’t be rolling around in our heads at night.

Some things do not require our energy to defend or explain.

 

Some things just come from the enemy. Call it and carry on.

 

– Teresa Klassen

This Place

What a difference it is in This Place, versus That Place. When I am in That Place I feel the freezing rain, winter’s cold fingers on my skin; but one step to the side and an umbrella keeps me completely dry. In This Place I can see the downpour, but I am sheltered.

What a difference it is in This Place, versus That Place. When I am in That Place I feel the sun, burning hot on my head; but one step to the side and the shade of a tree cools me; I don’t even need to cover my eyes anymore. In This Place I can see the withering heat, but I am sheltered.

What a difference it is in This Place, versus That Place. When I am in That Place, posts and tweets and a barrage of messages about everything from everyone assault me; but if I unplug, Spirit whispers to spirit. In This place I hear what is and what isn’t, and I find shelter.

Stay.

I am invited to “keep myself” in This Place; the sanctuary for all who hunger and thirst for true love and mercy but sometimes I step out and get lost. Bumped and jostled, I become anxious and mixed-up, not realizing no matter what direction I am facing, it only takes one step to get back to This Place.

What a difference it is in This Place, versus That Place. The one calls out for me, the other doesn’t care. In the one I am tended, in the other I am fair game.  In the one I am treasured, in the other I am nobody.

In That Place I am, daily, assaulted; but in This Place…I am pieced together again.

• Teresa Klassen

(Jude 1:20-21)

When God Goes 30 On The Highway Of Our Lives

I can’t decide.

• Do I want God to move quickly? I-ask. He-answers-hopefully-in-my-favor. Ta-da!!
• Or do I want God to take His time, be patient, give me room to figure some things out, but whatever He does…to not give up on me?

It really depends where I am standing at that moment. Instant-God comes in very handy when I need, or need to know something; but I prefer slow-to-act God when I am being a moron. I guess ultimately I would like God to act according to my wishes because that would be really convenient.

In reality, I don’t get to choose. Sometimes God does act swiftly, but I find more often, He doesn’t. Sometimes it feels like God is driving 30 km on the highway. Why can’t He pick it up a little?

2 Peter 3:9 says, “The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”

God acts according to His purposes; His priorities and I realize that my health, happiness, success, comfort, longevity, while certainly something to talk about, aren’t actually His primary concern. My needing an answer or action NOW does little to disturb His careful timing. This is confusing until you sit back and look at one single soul and what it means to God.

What matters to God? When you look back through history, God was actually willing to protect very little if it got in the way of what He ultimately wanted: true relationship. This whole thing, the earth and life upon it, was created to be a community filled with the life and breath of God, in communion with Him.

Then sin enters the picture and yada, yada, yada: we wander, we get lost, we can’t make our way back to God’s original intention. So while we build our lives and get all concerned about what we get concerned about, God is still only concerned about one thing: our return. It is all He has ever been concerned about.

I was thinking about this, how only one thing matters, when I was in the Westminster Abby in London recently. I looked at the astounding architecture of that building. I sat in a service and took in the overwhelming detail and then it struck me: as nice as this is, it means very little to God. God is not contained here, and He would not protect it at all cost. It isn’t that God doesn’t appreciate good architecture, artistry, craftsmanship; He does. He is the Artist of artists, after all; it’s just that nothing, not even buildings that might have taken hundreds of years to complete mean a whole lot to Him in the scheme of things.

People built a beautiful temple to God, it took years and years and years to make but it actually got in the way of a heartfelt relationship with Him. People thought the temple would mean a lot to God, that He would go to all lengths to protect it, but it didn’t mean that much. He let it be destroyed.

I think God is still willing that some things get destroyed so that all that remains is the obvious problem we are skirting (whether that is salvation or submission). His desire is that no one will perish, and He is patient towards us so that we have every, every opportunity to enjoy the life He offers. He calls us out of darkness, to walk in His light.

As I said, when you are being a moron, patience is the most beautiful thing you could ever experience. When someone is gentle towards you, wants you, longs for you, searches for you, puts up great big signs that say, “WALK THIS WAY” and doesn’t give up…is there anything more beautiful then that?

God’s slowness is something beautiful; I have experienced the grace of slowness, and I have people in my life that I really want God to be patient with, to extend the days of their lives, to give them the chance to open their lives to Him. I don’t want things to end where they are.

“What I want” in any given situation can be all over the map, but God only has one desired outcome: that none should perish.

– Teresa Klassen

 

 

 

So You Think This Is Freedom?

With permission, I am printing Mike’s thoughts:

The world that we live in has forces that pull at us. There is no neutral; we are pulled either towards God’s good ways or away from God’s good ways, and it all seems to come down to what a person does with their desire for and perception of freedom; we have “anti-authority” tendencies where we  conclude that authority is a freedom stealer so we push against authority. This applies to people in all walks of life, from the toddler to the hard-hearted Senior, who both shake their fists at anyone who might tell them what to do. This is why people shake their fist at God, the God they often say they don’t believe in, because they see Him as an authority figure who wants to take their freedom away.

Yet, with all this so called “freedom,” what actually results is a life of debauchery. 2 Peter 2:18-19 says, “There are those who call out to others, promising freedom — yet they themselves are enslaved in their life of debauchery.”

Debauchery = reckless immorality, lust for pleasure and seeking it out.

What we often miss is that this kind of “freedom” without borders, has its own cage. What feels like freedom, is actually enslaving us. Freedom, true freedom, comes by limiting our freedom; an idea we struggle with.

• If we were to eat only junk-food (because we have the freedom to do so) we end up enslaving our bodies strength and health.
• If we were to spend all our money as we wished (because we have the freedom to do so) we become a slave to those items with a bank-load of debt.
• If we decide to take our sexuality outside of marriage (because we have the freedom to do so) we end up entangled instead, forever a slave to our bad choices, instead of free.

In each of these situations, what starts out as exercising freedom, results in enslavement; but this is a tough sell to people who don’t want to eat vegetables; to those who don’t want to live by a budget; to those who want to play loose.

Why should we let anyone limit our freedom? Adam and Eve sure didn’t want it. God wanted Adam & Eve to experience full freedom, but to achieve this, He had to limit what they could do within that garden setting. Parents desire their children to experience full freedom, but to achieve this, they actually have to say no to certain things and to hold their children back from activities that look like freedom, but put them in danger.

True freedom comes by saying no to other freedoms. True intimacy in relationships both with God and other people, comes by saying no to freedoms that actually steal intimacy but we so often cannot see this. We are pulled, fooled, by what looks like it must be better than what is being “imposed” on us by guardians in our life.

The voice that screams the loudest is always the voice of debauchery. It is uncouth, it has no manners, it butts into line, it lies. True freedom always shows all of its colors, but it waits. True freedom knows that the lie usually has to be exposed, usually people have to run into a wall, before they will compare what they have with what the could have.

This is the sad thing about people. We are so determined to throw off anything that seems restrictive that we don’t even realize that we have now become fair game to an enemy who has been standing by to steal our soul. It isn’t freedom we end up getting; it is actually the way that leads to tears and regret, poison and prison, fear and anxiety, uncertainty and the death instead of abundant life.

Living simply for one’s own pleasure only sounds good in the beginning.

– Adapted from Michael Klassen’s journal — Teresa Klassen

Marijuana, McDonalds and Morality

I am grateful to live where I can engage openly in a dialogue about and have the opportunity to influence what happens in my community, province and country. Last night I attended the all-candidates meeting, giving me the opportunity to listen and learn and interact with those who will carry on the leadership of West Kelowna.

When the floor opened for questions, I was able to ask my own:

“My question is this. Currently we have two businesses in West Kelowna who are openly selling drug paraphernalia. They are operating, technically, legally because they have found a loophole in our system. Hemp City and Mary Jane’s both openly sell items, hundreds of them, clearly for drug use.

One of these stores openly sells to minors, but that is hardly the issue because adults are also shopping for children. This is a problem for everyone concerned; for both adults and kids.

I realize there are many ways for people to get their hands on drugs and pipes and grinders; I realize that some people want to do drugs. But the criminal code says that buying, selling, using drugs is illegal. Yet…we are providing an open door, in this city, for drug paraphernalia to be openly sold. We have allowed a store for them to shop in, essentially an invitation to engage in drug use.

If elected, will you engage with this issue, bringing the best minds around this problem to find a way to keep our community as drug-free and safe as possible and to support the efforts of our RCMP, by in this particular case, finding a way to say no to shops like these in West Kelowna?”

Most of the candidates showed support for finding a way (realizing there are complications) to say no to businesses like the two I mentioned. Some of the support is cautious, which I can appreciate on some level.

The very last comment made, however, concerned me a great deal. I was not given the opportunity to respond in the moment (it wasn’t a debate forum, after all), so I want to respond here. The final candidate (Mr Albrecht), in response, raised the issue of how there are people who don’t want McDonalds in our community and other people do, and who are we to say who should be able to eat a McDonalds burger and who can’t? We must be careful with morality issues. He received applause for his good humor and middle-of-the-road approach.

I take exception to this as a person who is in support of the Criminal Code of Canada and our RCMP members.  As far as I know, there is no law against eating a McDonald’s hamburger, but there are laws regarding the buying, selling, using of Marijuana.

A large portion of the inventory at Hemp City and Mary Jane’s are for the purpose of smoking marijuana. As I talked to one of the employees, I asked him to not give me the usual speech:

“They’re water pipes” wink, wink
“They’re for smoking tobacco” wink, wink

I asked him to be straight up with me: What are those pipes for? And his response was that they are for smoking marijuana primarily.  I appreciated his frankness. Let’s not play the same game, so familiar in the Emperor’s New Clothes, where we don’t say things like they are.  Those two stores sell items that are primarily for drug use. And yes, they do so legally which must be incredibly frustrating for law enforcers that we have commissioned to carry out the laws we have supported and then undermine.

This is not a personal morality issue for any one of us who object to the presence of these establishments in our city. Unless the laws change (may they not), we need to pay attention to what is going on in our city, just blocks from our schools.

If we are going to engage this issue, let’s be very clear about what we are and what we are not talking about. I am not raising this issue to take on every establishment I personally disagree with. I am raising this issue because we are saying two things in our city:

1. We support laws that criminalize the buying, selling, using of drugs.
2. But we will allow what you need to do drugs to be sold legally in our city.

We need to talk. We need to take action.

– Teresa Klassen

Are You Done Messing Around Yet?

Dear Kids,

Are you done?

I have been watching over you and the poor choices you have been making and I am shaking my head. Why would you trade the good life I have given you, for the life you are living right now? Honestly, I have done everything in my power to give you a rich life, a healthy life, a safe life, a satisfying life, a purposeful life…the kind of life where you don’t have to look back with a pile of regrets, yet what do you do? You choose the opposite; you choose to do life the hard way.

You aren’t forced to live a life of darkness.

You aren’t in a position where your only choice is an evil one.

Yet you choose, you choose, to live in the dirt.

I shake my head at this.

I sigh.

I ache over your foolishness.

And I am hopeful.

You won’t spend the rest of your life chasing after evil things.

At some point, you are going to come to your senses and you are going to be anxious to do what is right. You will thirst for it. Hunger for it. Chase after it. It will become your desire, your campaign; your cause.

At some point you will have had enough of living unwisely; you will look the things other people “enjoy” and it will turn your stomach. You will look at their illogical choices, the way they hurt themselves and others, their lust, their overindulgence, their drunkenness, their out-of-control parties, and the way they only live for the moment and their immediate pleasures, and a chill will run up your spine because you know that this was once what you thought was so great, only to find out that it was death to your soul.

And when you step out of that life you will find that your so-called friends will be surprised; irritated; it is going to rub them the wrong way that you don’t want to do what they do any longer because misery loves company. They will even say things about you that aren’t exactly complementary; be prepared.

But just remember this: they aren’t the ones you should be concerned about and you aren’t the one they insult. Step aside; I am the one. I am the one with the final call on all of this. I am the one they have ultimately offended. I will be the one who will speak to your actions and to their actions and I am wondering, how do you want that to go?

Listen again to me: I am about love. I am about Good News. I don’t want anyone to waste his or her life. I want you, I want everyone to live…to live an abundant, amazing life, engaged in what is life-giving, not soul-stealing.

Just thought I should remind you, in case you have forgotten.

With love from,

Your Father, God.

(From 1 Peter 4:2-6)

– Teresa Klassen

India: Scene 10 — Braille.

Mostly about Compass Braille

We used to talk about this once and a while: if you could lose one of your senses, which one would you be willing to lose and why? I think the one I struggled with the most was blindness. To lose my sight, to not be able to take in the beauty of God’s creation, to not be able to see my family and friends, to live in a dark world; I couldn’t imagine it. And beyond that, the tremendous challenges of being blind in a world full of obstacles; how frustrating that would be.

I am not saying that Canada is doing a fantastic job at helping the blind (I don’t really know), but just looking around at our system of sidewalks and cross-walks and somewhat orderly traffic system, it has to be better than India. In India, approximately 14 million people are blind and I can’t imagine what that is like in that mayhem of traffic, with people pressing in on you from seven different directions, illogical, uneven sidewalks and roads all in a tangle.

I am going to jump ahead here because at some point Alecia is going to be writing some articles on this topic. She had the chance to visit with people who deal with blindness in India, so I will link to her articles when she is done. So fast-forward to the topic of Braille.

Braille looks like a bumpy page of code; my fingertips can’t make any sense of it, but to someone who is blind in India, it is the difference between being connected and being isolated; being useful or viewed as useless. The “electronic age” we live in, is impractical in their day-to-day life, but Braille opens up their world!

• Braille is the only way they can read, and reading opens doors.
• Braille gives them independence; they don’t need anyone to help them with it once they know how to read and they begin to learn and grow, taking in ideas and sharing their own.
• Once they can read, and if they have access to materials in Braille, it makes integration with the sighted world possible.
• It allows them to have better job opportunities.
• It opens up the possibility of an education.
• I.T. equipment that is “Braille friendly” allows blind people to surf the web!
• It provides enjoyment for blind people as they enjoy reading as much as anyone else
• It allows them to participate in group settings (like school, church, small groups for example) and even lead house churches.

In many countries, including India, learning Braille and then finding material to read is very challenging. Braille can be mailed anywhere in the world (right now) for free, but teaching it, translating it, and then getting materials into people’s hands can all present serious obstacles.

There are also challenges in trying to convince many parents that it is worth educating their blind child. There are parents who would just view their blind child as a huge inconvenience and not worth the investment to get them to and from a school. There is the issue of karma, where if a person is born blind, there must be a reason for it (I recall a Bible verse also where people thought the blind person had committed some sort of sin, or perhaps their parents had). Sometimes educators need to visit a home over and over to convince parents just to let them try to educate their child for a short time so that they can see for themselves what great improvements could be made in their child’s life.

Alecia and I spent a wonderful afternoon with a couple (Colin & Glennis Dowling) near London who lead an organization called Compass Braille and their mission is to produce Braille Bibles and Christian materials to distribute them among people in needy areas. Just to give you some perspective, Compass Braille is one of the only organizations in the world doing this kind of work (there are a few doing some limited work), and definitely the only organization that translates to so many different languages.

They print the Bible in Braille (the entire Bible stands around 2 meters long) as well as children’s Bible-story books, and healthcare awareness booklets. They are passionately committed to this ministry of putting the “Good News at their fingertips” which they now print in about 42 languages for distribution to 120 destinations in Asia, Africa and Europe.

What a great afternoon!  We talked about their own journey to becoming involved in this calling and about the challenges the blind face, and the way that their Braille Bibles are treasured. Reading material for the blind in India is so scarce, that even if you were Hindu by religion, you would be grateful to receive a Bible, just to have something to read!

Most people don’t ever get the chance to read the entire Bible; they might own one book of the Bible (I had to think, what if you only had Ecclesiastes? Or Lamentations?) Colin & Glennis are setting up mini lending libraries in India so that people who might not own a book or a book of the Bible can come and borrow one, return it and take another.

They also have helped a group in India to set up their own Braille “printing press” so that they can write their own booklets in response to the issues people are facing in their communities from a Christian perspective:

• Overcoming temptations
• Overcoming fear
• Growing relationships
• Making right choices
• Self-acceptance
• Assurance of salvation
• Spiritual growth
• How to lead a Bible Study group
• How to lead intercessory prayer groups.

They have also printed song books, and Bible notes, and Bible correspondence courses in seven Indian languages.

One of the goals of Compass Braille is to at least get the book of Luke in as many hands as possible so that people who are blind can get a good look at who Jesus was and is. I am not sure what that one book would cost but the New Testament costs around 80 GBP which is approximately $130.00

I came away from that meeting with so much to think about. There are all the issues of being blind in India and beyond that, being blind and trying to understand who Jesus is and the promises God has for those who love Him. How many Bibles do I have in my home right now? How for granted I take it, that I can read any book of the Bible I want at any time? It is so simple for me to read and reflect on God’s Words and I literally can take it or leave it. But if you are blind, and if you are blind in India, it is literally a treasure.

As I looked at the pictures of people receiving ONE BOOK of the Bible in Braille and the beautiful smiles on their faces I again felt that mixture of embarrassment and awe: embarrassment at how casual I am about so many things, knowing that to whom much is given, much is required; and awe at seeing how they immediately would open the cover and begin to read, and that look of pure joy as they began to take in those life-giving, life-changing words.

Compass Braille is now in its 21st year. Its warehouse is nothing fancy. It occupies a fairly small space with a few paid employees, a big machine that prints off thick sheets of Braille,  and a host of volunteers who sort and bind the Bibles and books and then ship them off to their contacts in different countries. They are mostly supported by the United Bible Society and a few U.K. churches, but, as with most churches and organizations trying to obey the call God has given them, the money is always tight.

I leave this with you. If you love God’s Word and have a desire to see Bible’s find their way into the hands of “the least of these” maybe this is something you will want to look into further (they are a registered charity).

Compass Braille

16 Crane Mead Business Park

Crane Mead, Ware

Hertfordshire SG12 9PZ

UK

Email: glennis@compassbraille.org

Website: www.compassbraille.org

– Teresa Klassen