What’s Behind This

8 04 2010

Mark 15:10. All the harm inflicted on Jesus was done, Mark says, out of envy (the painful or resentful awareness of an advantage or possession enjoyed by another and the desire to possess the same thing – Merriam Webster)

This got me to thinking about the things that lurk in me that not only keep me from seeing things truthfully but spill out to steer my actions. I blow this all the time, of course.  I do things/say things/think things that I am so sure of; but some of the time I catch myself and realize that there is something festering in the background that is skewing my thinking. It could easily be envy, but at other times it is

  • self-protection
  • guilt
  • anger
  • loneliness
  • hunger
  • fear
  • disappointment
  • tiredness
  • jealousy

Not a complete list, but some of the things I have tripped over when I haven’t been looking. And that’s the thing: when I haven’t been looking I trip over things. When I ask Jesus, “What am I not seeing in myself,” I tend to trip less.

I do believe I can be blind to myself resulting in an inability to see issues and life-circumstances clearly. I also recognize that I can ask Jesus to shine His light into my dark corners, but ask it too quickly and walk away from the process too prematurely so that I think I have looked but I haven’t. Further, I can say I have prayed, I can say I have spent time with Jesus, I can, as Brennan Manning said, “Look good without being good.

Soul-searching: That is such a good description of spending time with Jesus, now that I really look at the phrase. What is in there, Lord? What is pushing me along? What is influencing how I think? What is clouding how I see people? What is impure in there?

Only I can choose to do this. People can point out my faults/redeeming-qualities all day long, but until I get quiet before Jesus, soaking my soul in His Word and His Presence, my soul will not be searched, I will not be convicted or comforted, and I will not change and I will not stay.

I am just closing on that word “stay” because this is on my mind. What will keep my heart soft; what will keep me from caving into disillusionment if not for the light of Jesus revealing me, healing me, moving me? I need to know what’s behind this — what’s behind this person I am.

– Teresa Klassen

Afterword: Some years ago I read a FANTASTIC book called “When Godly People Do Ungodly Things” and it spoke to this issue so clearly. Highly recommend it. I took at least 10 pages of notes on it.



One response

10 04 2010
Tweets that mention What’s Behind This « OneBrownLeaf -- Topsy.com

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Teresa Klassen. Teresa Klassen said: Personal Reflecting Today: https://onebrownleaf.wordpress.com/2010/04/08/whats-behind-this/ […]

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